DarkHorseStyle.com

This will post at exactly 9:30 pm on September 2nd. This is the exact time you came to us exactly 1 year ago, my little boy. I knew my life would change the day we realized we were having you. All the planning and details were all for naught, because you came early. So small. So pure. So beautiful. Hearing you cry was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard. I’ve watched you grow. I’ve watched your personality emerge. You are such a wonderful blend of your mother and myself.  You are the most perfect child for your mother and I. Being your father is the greatest joy I have ever known.

I can only hope that I can teach all the things you need to know. I can only show you the way. I can’t hold your hand forever. One day (and that day will come sooner than later) you won’t need me. You will have hopefully forged your own path. I can’t tell you what to do or where to go, but I can surely help you in what not to do. Sometimes while holding you I wonder if I will ever truly be ready. You are so amazing even now. I can’t wait for all the things that are to come. I hope I’ve changed enough as a man. Your mother has made all of this possible. Your mother is the most amazing woman in the world. You will see that as you get older. She was made especially for you. She saved me from myself. I was at a point in my life were being a husband was the farthest thing from my mind. Being a father seemed less attainable. She showed me all the love, patience and sacrifice that she will show you. She loves you so much.

Your family is filled with amazing people. Your soon to be friends are just as incredible. We will try and surround you with people that will make a difference in your life. People that will love you, that will help you when you need it and even when you don’t. They will also protect you and shelter you when you need it. We named you after your great great grandfather on your nana’s side. You are the last namesake of our family. Your Poppa has waited for you for a long time. At some point we will tell you about the brother you have. He isn’t here, but he is in our hearts. We lost him a long time before you arrived. He makes you even more special. I know there is some of him with you. That brings me to my next point.

The last thing I want to tell you about is God. Specifically, how he will always be with you. You will never be alone. Never be forgotten. He gave you to us. He knew you before we did. He placed you in your mother’s womb to be a gift to us. We will try to and be examples of goodness, virtue and try to be the moral compass that you will need to handle this world. We can only do this with God. All things are possible with him. Not everything will be easy, but it’s a much easier life to maneuver in with him carrying you.

I love you with every part of me. Your mother does as well. We will always show you that. We aren’t perfect. We never will be, but we will always love you.

Your Dad

Last year at this time, I had a family member pass from a tragic accident. Shocking that her life (that she lived to the fullest) came to an abrupt and tragic end. We scurried around for weeks cleaning out her house. Looking at old memories and finding a lot of things I did not know. Her close family wasn’t that close. Both of her parents had passed in the last few years (related to me as well) We navigated all of that.

We had service for her just a few weeks ago. A lot of wonderful things were said. A lot of memories shared. She was a trailblazer and she really tried to keep all of us together. She had moved away some time ago, and moved back home after retiring and traveling. That close family that wasn’t that close, she tried her damndest to bring together. Christmas especially. Funny hats, good wine, great food were always here standby’s.  She wasn’t that much older than me, so her passing was very shocking. We will miss her.

Had a parent take a fall this past week. Nothing major. No broken bones. Cut lip, finger stitches and a little sore. Very grateful that it wasn’t worse. She will be 77 this week.

Then this week, which is about 3 weeks since this draft (the two previous paragraphs) that same parent had a exploratory heart procedure. All good. Medication issue! Don’t get me started!

We are in shock that our little one will be 11months in 3 days! He is fun, energetic and has his own personality. He should be walking soon. He has been everything we could’ve asked for and more in a child.

I had to step away from social media for a bit. I had gotten rabbit holed into a political conversation that I thought was seemingly straight forward, and then someone made it personal. Ridiculous! That made me realize that I was winning the argument and that arguing with someone online is useless and a waste of time. You only make it personal when you run out of options. It’s a shame really.

Gym is going well. I can fit into the clothes that I slid off to the side of the closet! Still trying to get to a goal. Maybe unrealistic, but you don’t fail if you don’t try!

Going to Atlanta in a few days. Traveling with 11 month old should be fun! It’s amazing how much stuff you have to take with you for a baby!  I tried to be minimalistic as possible, but it’s difficult.

Speaking of babies. It’s amazing in researching or looking for answers online that there are very few Dad centered forums. I had a simple question about an issue and it was all Mom based forums. (nothing wrong with that per say) Granted. I got the answer/advice I wanted, but there has to be a balance of advice from both sides of parenting, I think. Dad’s are taking more active rolls in parenting than the way they did in the past.

Going to a convention the weekend after that. Just me this time. Solo Daddy-o. First time in awhile. Lots of new product launches and tech upgrades for our supplement and internet business.

We have been fortunate enough to retail quite a bit, so they chose us to test the  some new products for feed back.  It has been a very interesting experience to be involved in the R&D of a global companies product line research. This will definitely be a update on the next post.

 

 

 

 

9 Months old. I can’t believe it! Still tiny (1%) but everything is progressing right on point. Baby gates, baby proofing, school, college, and life, are the thoughts are flooding my mind. What do I tell him about his future? What direction do I point him in so he doesn’t make the same mistakes I did? Do I let him make mistakes and teach him how to overcome them, learn and do better? Do I let him find his own way? So many things to get right for me. I know all parents go through this, but I turned 50 two months after he was born. That makes the timeline a little more urgent. God willing, I will be around for awhile, right? All my aunts and Uncles on both sides lived and living were pretty far advanced in age, which is good thing. I’m trying to soak it all up and enjoy every slobbery, toothless smile right now. He is the most amazing blend of my wife and myself. He is loved. He is wonderful. He is my son.

 

This is my wife’s first Mother’s Day. He is our little miracle. Our rainbow baby. 6 years ago we lost our first little boy, the week before Mother’s Day. I remember holding that tiny 18 week old baby that would never cry. Never run around. Never say his first words. That was something I thought I would never go through or much less have the strength to get over. We were parents for 5 months. 18 weeks, and suddenly over a weekend we were not.  We haven’t talked a lot about it. We kept trying. Kept praying. Endured a difficult surgery. Changed jobs. Went back to school. Started our own business. All the while keeping this hurt inside. Kept feeling horrible every month for over 3 years. Watched friends have children. We were given the honor of being godparents to two of the most wonderful children ever. Both were rainbow babies. But, that void was still there. We got older. My wife struggled with beliefs she once held and now was conflicted, extremely guilty and angry. God came to her and restored her soul. He gave her peace.  We joined a church that all the women in our neighborhood attended. We experience God’s grace and compassion through them. It changed my wife’s mind and her heart. He helped me learn how to listen and how to comfort her. I gained new perspective of my own faith. I learned how to be open with my wife, with God and with others. We go through things we can’t handle because we need God, we need people. Use your tragedies, your victories to help others. This is what we have learned.
I never realized now how many people this has happened too. I realized now, how many people DON’T talk about this.
Remember that this Sunday the 12th.
#rainbowbaby #believe

My wife started working again back in December. She is self employed. It has its advantages, but with no maternity leave it was kind of a stretch finacially. (That’s a topic for another day) We have been fortunate enough that my job allows me to go in later in the afternoon, which means that I get to stay at home during most of day and take care of him.

I can honestly say that it has been the most enjoyable 3 months of my life! He fit in one of my hands when we brought him home. This beautiful little gift from God. It’s been such and amazing circumstance being able to watch him grow and become his own little man. He gets up every morning happy and adjusted. (Well, until teething hit about a month ago) That is the most heart breaking thing in the world, right next to immunization shots! I get to feed him, change him, bathe him and interact with him. The first time I made him cackle was the best experience ever! It was totally out of the blue. Best sound in the whole world.

We had our first baby food experience.  We made it ourselves! I’ve cooked dinners for a lot of people, but making baby food from scratch was amazing! Watching him try food for the first time was great! I made sure Mommy was there for that one!

But, as I sit home with this kid. I think about all the stuff my Dad missed out on when I was growing up. Granted, we have a wonderful relationship, but I wonder if he ever thinks about that? I also think about the women who are lucky enough to be able to do this, and then I think about the women or men who have to raise their child and also  work to help out the household or support the family by themselves.

Anyone who thinks that raising a kid is easy, and that you have all this free time to watch tv or go run around or have hobbies, TRY IT! This is the hardest thing I have ever done. Rewarding, YES! I know now this the easiest part, He isn’t mobile, but he can’t talk. I have no understanding of baby gibberish! I know I’m not perfect at it. I know I will make mistakes. I know I have my ways of doing things that differ from the way my wife does, but we have made a great team so far!

From the time we brought him home, we knew it was going to be learning experience. They say that the nurturing gene will kick in like clockwork. Which means every sense you have is always on! Is hungry? Is he breathing when he sleeps? ( that’s the most nerve wracking thing the first few months) Is he eating enough? The list is endless! I have at this point, the most laid back kid in the world. We have our schedule. That was very important to my wife and I that he have some semblance of a schedule. I know it has worked to some degree, because we have noticed if there is a change in his, he isn’t a happy camper.

I really have a hard time understanding people that bash women or men that decide to stay at home to raise their children, which in turn doesn’t give you the right to besmirch people that choose not too. As a parent or parents, we all make the decisions based on what we think is best for our children. That should always be the reason for what ever you decide. Some people can afford to have one income and some cannot.

We have started our little drives to the store, to Mom’s office and to Aunties house! He is great! Cool as the other side of the pillow. We take the big road trip in a few weeks! That’s going to be the real test! The drive and the in-laws! Will let you know how that went.